Sitting here in the middle of CAMH waiting for mum to come out of her first meeting with the doctor. I’ve literally got knots in my stomach. This isn’t the first time we’ve been here. Well, not here specifically but “here” as in the situation. It’s been 8, no, maybe less than 8 years now since she was diagnosed with depression – it feels like longer.
It’s been less then 6 when she was diagnosed with a schizoaffective disorder. It’s been…hell. There’s no other way to describe it. It’s like living in a bubble, or rather, that’s what it feels like. I would be lying to myself if I said that this whole situation hasn’t effected me to.
All that energy, that motivation during NANOWRIMO (National Novel Writing Month), is now almost completely gone. But somehow I’m finding the strength to write this. There’s a glimmer of hope in me, I suppose.
I can hear them talking in the other room, and I can’t help but wonder, since I can hear the hesitation in mum’s voice what she must be thinking. We’ve been here so many times, this must be, maybe the 3rd of 4th hospital we’ve been to. Although I don’t know if I’d classify the CAMH (Centre for Addiction and Mental Health) a hospital. The environment feels lighter, friendly even, not so stuck up and judgement.
What’s harder is the fact that the disorder mum has is based in paranoia, it’s hard for her to trust people, which is why we’ve been here so often. The medication helps some. Keeps these tendencies under control, but they haven’t completely gone away, and I doubt, although I sincerely hope, that they will one day.
Because of this whole situation, I myself, have been depressed. Who wouldn’t be? I just seem to lack any sort of motivation. Even the motivation to go back to school. I feel so lost. As the months start and finish I just feel like I’m hanging on by the skin of my teeth. I try so hard to keep it all together. But sometimes it just gets a bit too much and I wish I’d just die.
I’ve spoken to mum about this, because I feel like she’s the only person, who understands. And she is. But maybe I need to seek professional help, before I truly snap.
There are days where I feel okay. Life feels bearable, and other days not so much. Today is a good day. I feel like we’ve possibly taken a step in the right direction by coming here. I feel better. More hopeful. But I’m not going to get my hopes up completely, just to have them smashed. Let’s just say, I’m weary and hopeful.
Right, I can hear them coming. More soon. x
